I was born in Zestafoni. This is the place where you can be deprived of your right to express yourself and become subject of ridicule even today because you wear clothes of sharp color. Yes, this happens so… Some children already have grounds (for example, the place where they live) prepared for discovering themselves gradually and freely, while other have to overcome obstacles for their whole life. This does not happen only in Zestafoni. This happens in many villages and cities…

I studied in a private school, where my mother was a teacher. However, this was no privilege for me. My teachers, who thought that defending someone’s own positions and expressing a different opinion was not polite (on any specific issue), used to reproach my mother every day. It took my mother quite a while to develop a defense mechanism, understand me and learn to talk to me rather than blame me for every detail (,,It was probably your fault” ,,Why do you embarrass me?” ,,You should not argue with elders”).
When I enrolled at a university in Tbilisi, I realized that I appeared in an absolutely different environment. I got a bit confused, I found it difficult to adapt to the university system, but the university gave me more freedom to express myself.

I fell in love when I was 17. This is probably a real love because it has overcome a number of challenges. At the age of 21 I married a person, whom I loved. Of course, I had realized right from the beginning possible problems associated with early marriage but since “wedding”, “spouse”, “husband”, “wife” and other family-associated words, statuses and dogmas are strange to us we have healthy rather than traditional relationships with each other. We never make functional distributions like this should be done by a woman and this should be done by a man. It is impossible otherwise, this always adds new colors to our relationships.

Currently we are working on several art songs and joint projects.

The most remarkable day for me was the one when accompanied by several persons my future husband and I tied the knot in a modest civil marriage ceremony without much ado and traditional nonsense. We planned to live together directly, but our families organized later a traditional wedding. For them this was the expression of love and respect and performing their duty towards relatives and neighbors. But I did not attach a great importance to that day. Why should this day be so attractive for the “bride” who has to sit for the whole day somewhere on the top table, has to listen to “trash” songs, smile at everyone, should not eat, look at drunk people’s faces and odd behavior and drag her long dress to and fro?. Leo and I did everything other way round. We considered the wedding as a theatrical performance, where we had our audience… We considered all these rules that turned into dogmas funny and enjoyed greatly the process. Everything looked like ,,modern art”, which was accompanied by performances. I did not want to upset my parents so I “followed” this tradition either. Parent’s generation may understand many things but you cannot radically change their views, so…

It turned out that we had to have the second more traditional and a bit frightening wedding. Leo’s family wanted this. It was frightening because I was not familiar with the traditions of this region (Samegrelo). Later I realized that this was not a big tragedy either because I considered the wedding as an event, where the people who love each other get together. This was just 1 day (in this particular case – two days). It did not diminish my personality and was needed to make other people happy. I had rather odd views about the Megrelians, but after I got to know Leo’s family closer, I learnt that they were rather different from others. Leo’s father is a painter and teacher in the Anaklia School. His mother is an IDP from Otobaia. She often tells me sad stories about how her family had to leave their home after the war broke out in Abkhazia. Even though I am not going to speak the Megrelian language, I like Megrelian songs very much. It is impossible to translate some words in the Georgian language.

I had to give up my studies at the university because of pregnancy as we did not have an apartment in Tbilisi. Moreover, Leo was studying at this time. I stayed with my mother for some time, while at other times I was in Anaklia in Leo’s childhood house. I could stay there and wait for Leo like a sailor’s wife, but instead I decided to live together with him in a rented apartment, which was a rather challenging experience.

When my child was born, I stayed with my mother. At some moment, I could give up, move to Leo’s childhood house, become a typical daughter-in-law, wife and mother, but I thought that I had made enough concessions (even if they were the slightest ones) and this was the time when my future fate was decided. Leo’s parents helped us buy an apartment in Tbilisi and I decided to resume my studies. Leo’s mother offered her help. She left her home, husband, Leo’s younger brother and came to Tbilisi together with us. I have never been satisfied by the knowledge given by the university and educational environment. Although I experienced some period of apathy and depressions (when you do not look yourself) during pregnancy, I never stopped working on self-development and I am very proud of that. I have diverse interests apart from the profession selected by me. I am interested in other fields as well and I am not going to devote all my life to doing one thing. I would like to turn the emotions that have accumulated in me to date into pieces of art, I will get back to doing my favorite things which I have forgotten for some reason.

Sometimes I am confused by the public approach to pregnant and laboring mothers, whose rights are restricted and who are considered as incapable people. Pregnant women face this attitude not only from employers but also from their lecturers and new acquaintances. As if their attitude changed when I said that I was mother. How do you think what violence is? Many people still think that violence is physical abuse, rape and other violent acts, which result in physical harm of injury of a person. I would like to tell them once again that they may commit an act of violence by their glance and other acts that do not necessarily imply physical abuse… they have dogmas like: ,,Why on earth a pregnant woman should work?” ,,people should study first and get married afterwards,” ,,University is not a proper place for a married woman,” ,,You should take care of your child and give up studying!” ,,Forget studying!” ,,Look, it turns out that she has a child.” I would like to tell these people that unless their feelings as a human being are degraded and they do not think mechanically, they should realize that people cannot plan everything, things that were supposed to happen, just happened; it is impossible otherwise, and one more thing… despite my marital status, age and negative public attitude, I am going to study all my life something new. I know quite clearly that I am going to live only once, in any case, in this physical condition, and I am going to take as many emotional sensations from my life as possible.

I would like to apply to all girls and women: Marriage does not end your personal life, nor does the childbirth end your life, do not turn into moving dummies, go ahead moving towards your goals, discovering your own self and wishes, if happiness has disappeared and you clung to your husband, family and are worried about what people will say, you should change your condition, otherwise, you will have to live behind a fitted smiling disguise. I am happy now, my family is everything to me, I do not know what the future holds for me, and I just enjoy my present life.

I would advise those parents who have distorted views and attach more value to public opinion than to the views of their own children, not to perceive their children as a major investment project, in which they invest to reap the benefits later. They should not make their children feel that… actually they should absolutely forget about this. Listen and talk to them. Give them freedom to dream, study, experience feelings of failure and disappointment. Give them an unrestricted chance to think and talk, do not put physical and psychological pressure on them because you think that ,,s/he is my child and I will do to her/him whatever I want.” Break free from mob mentality and take your children as they are. It is pretty weird when the public, in this particular case, parents do not accept an individual character of their child and wish to change him/her, ,,We should bring him to a priest, maybe he will teach him a thing or two”, I have heard from mothers, who cannot put up with the fact that their child is different from other children. They should realize that they are more precious than the society which puts some boundaries on and sets standards for them. I am proud of the mothers who are not ashamed of their children.

I do not have any statuses, I am just a dreamer girl. I know very well that life is hard for dreamers but I am ready for every offer the life makes, I am ready for active involvement in destroying stigmas, clichés and ugly traditions. I plan to protect people’s rights non-officially. I have never had negative feelings because of being a ,,parent”, on the contrary, it has filled me with benevolence and love and made me stronger. I wish and I am sure many pregnant women wish that the public perceived them as capable people and did not create a restrictive environment for them.“

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However, this was only a little stimulus. I realized independently what would be better. Because of the influence of my family “Hi”, “How are you?” were the only phrases I knew in the Georgian language up to the eighth grade. People speak only the Azerbaijani or the Russian language in our community and families. I appeared among Georgians when I attended a training course in the Marneuli Youth Center in the eighth grade. There were Georgians in the parallel grade in our school but to us they were the “other” as we were the “other” to them. From the Youth Center I was sent to a five-day training course in Tbilisi. I will not forget this period. My birthday coincided with that period and at 12 a.m. training participants – people who were strangers to me – threw a surprise birthday party. I thought for the first time that day that these “strangers” were people like me and maybe even better than me. I thought then that ethnical identity brings more harm than benefit to people. I also remember how my Armenian friends and I found it difficult to chum up. This was because it was ingrained in our memory that we were enemies. But when you get to know each other better, you realize that things are much simpler. These Armenian girls are now my best friends. Therefore, I think that integration and relationships will help resolve conflicts.

During the training organized as part of the ANI project I talked in the Georgian language for the first time. Even though I studied everything by heart to make a presentation, I became more interested in learning the language and studying sociology in the Georgian language. Before that I toured Marneuli villages and ran training courses in the Azerbaijani language. I ran training courses about family violence against women. But the community is less interested in the topic. Families do not allow girls to attend the training course because most of them think that as soon as a girl finishes the 9th grade, she must get married…

For the very reason that girls get married or are engaged, the last school bell for them rings in the 9th grade! My first classmate got married in the 9th form. She did not want to and cried but she was persuaded anyway that this was a good outcome. Eventually only two girls (including me) finished our school from our grade.
Generally girls are under the influence of their parents. Parents think that the earlier they will give their daughters away in marriage the better they will protect them from danger. They lure girls into marriage by painting a colorful future for them: that they will have a rich husband, a big house, they will not lack anything, parents will support them and they will never be hard up. Giving a daughter away in marriage is a huge burden for families. They take USD 15, 000 and even more in loan to furnish son-in-law’s house and it takes them the whole life to repay the loan.

I remember that one day one of my friends called and invited me to her engagement party. I got mad because I knew that she was not going to get married yet. She told me that it did not make any sense to resist as they had already drank a sweet tea. There is a tradition in our community, when the parents of the girl and boy arrange a marriage, the parents of the bride-to-be invite the parents of their future son-in-law. If they offer sugar to their guests when they drink tea, the matter is already settled. The girl does not take any part in the arrangements.

What do girls like in this proposal? That there is nothing new in their life except for Turkish soap operas. I always say that there are three entertainment opportunities in Marneuli: Shawurma, the furniture store and “Zapchasti”. It is good at least we have a new Smart (a chain store), where we can sit in a café. They were also going to build a movie theatre but ended up with building a supermarket. The situation is disastrous in villages. Do you know what the only entertainment for teenagers is?! Weddings. They compete, whose wedding is ‘”better”, who has more beautiful dress, who has the best cuisine served during the wedding… When you are at the wedding party, you wish you were in the bride’s place because wedding is the only entertainment we have… If a girl is engaged she visits Tbilisi together with her fiancé once a week to have some fun. This is also some kind of allurement.
Even though I am only 19, people are surprised when they learn that I am not married. When my relatives come to visit us they never ask me how I study. They only ask me when I am going to get married, “You have already graduated from school and enrolled at a university, what else do you want? You have even visited the United States!”

I went to the United States in November. I am probably lucky to have such amazing people like my mother around me. The UN Association of Georgia (UNAG) nominated me as a candidate for one of the programs of the US embassy. I won the competition held by the embassy. I could not believe that I was going to visit the USA. My relatives even met my brother. They wondered how he could let me go to the USA, they also asked the same question to my mother. They do not know that my mother cried tears of joy together with me, when I got a positive response via e-mail.

Currently part of my tuition fees is financed by SOCAR. I pay the remaining part myself from my salary. I work for the Marneuli community radio and prepare some stories. During the period of studying I would like to visit villages and run training courses. I am going to embark on a tour of villages as part of the PITA project. Maybe I am capable of making miracles happen.
I also started learning English. I would like to get a master’s degree abroad. Women’s rights advocacy is my future.“

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We had married before we were displaced (we are both from Gali). Nini was three months old when we fled Gali. Since then, for five years I witnessed his lack of consideration not only for me but for his own child too. I cannot forget what he told me once: “Why is my child any better than others?! Let her eat beans!” To this I answered: “And do you have beans?!” That’s right, we didn’t have any beans and he did nothing about it. When he saw that I resumed studies, changed the social circle around me, went outside, he became downright hostile. I went ahead in life, he was stagnated, frozen at the same point he had been for the past 23 years….The only thing I know for sure is that the steps you take in life are not a mistake and every person has the right of choice. Had I stayed with him, I am sure I wouldn’t be what I am today.

However, I’d like to return to the societal pressures. Whenever someone started to flirt with me, on hearing that I was divorced, instantly changed his attitude. He started to see me as an object he… could drag into bed right away. This is what such a woman is for. A woman divorced from her husband has no other use. I was extremely humiliated and it took me quite a long time to stand on my own feet. After that, it did not cause me problems and I have never hidden the fact that I was a divorcee with a child.

Naturally, being a 22 year-old single mother is very difficult. I remember when Nini saw her groupmates’ dads coming to pick them up, she told me “Do not come. Send grandpa.” At that moment, I started to doubt if my decision of separating from my husband had been right. Maybe it was better for my child to have her father by her side. I also had to answer the questions coming from Nini: “Why isn’t he calling? Doesn’t he love me? Does he have another wife?” Then we sat down to discuss it and I explained to her that her father was not a bad person, sometimes two people just cannot live under one roof. I could tell that she was still hurt. Her speech suggested self-blame. A friend of my father who was not married then, agreed to take my girl to the kindergarten in the morning and fetch her in the afternoon. This somehow filled the void left by her father. It was clear to me then that I was the mother and the father for this child. I had a huge responsibility because I gave her life. I wanted this child and now I am happy to have her!

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Only after my parents passed away, did I dare and leave. I was 39 and started afresh all by myself. I abandoned the name Leila and went back to being Guli again. However, I could not follow my childhood dreams. I wanted to sing, to study in a music school… It did not work out. I put down my dreams in my diary. I have two thick notebooks filled with my poems, my sorrow, my woes and memories. If I went back in time, I would follow that boy that very day he came to take me with him.”

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